Hockey, Hockey, Hockey!
Well now we know what really matters in Canada. It ain't the deficit an' it ain't the economy. It ain't even jobs or payin' the rent! It's HOCKEY for crimeny sakes! HOCKEY, HOCKEY, HOCKEY! That's all that on anybody's mind these days. Good heavens, they ain't even bitchin' about the weather. Now THAT'S serious! Seems the whole world comes to a stop when hockey's even possible. Seems anybody can play this game. All you need is a TV, bacon an' eggs an' beer, or alternately, a TV, pancakes an' beer. Beer seems to be the operative word here. O'course, what I'm describin' here is the fan base. The players don't get their beer an' bacon an' eggs 'til after the game.
The point I'm tryin' to make here is that we got a resource that nobody is takin' advantage of. Given the importance of the game, we should be turnin' it into a weapon to threaten an enemy with. Just imagine the power Canada would suddenly have! Take the sovereignty of the arctic for example. You got the Russians, the Danes, the Americans an' who knows who all else claimin' sovereignty over it, well an' of course Canada (come lately). Well, if you was to say, “We'll play you a game of hockey over it and the winner takes all” we'd soon have a different outcome o' things.
Mind you, we'd have to insist that women's teams play in such a tournament. Well, the thing is that them NHL'ers go to play for the country where their ancestors bones are buried. You can't blame 'em for that. It's the NHL's fault for importin' them in the first place. Ask Don Cherry, he'll tell you a thing or two about that. No, it should be the women. They're better'n the men anyways. An' it would give 'em a round about way to participate in wars an' politics all at the same time.
Just think of it. Hockey would be the new standard of law in the world! It would make the United Nations an' the World Court redundant. Well them organizations are about as far off the rails as anyone could imagine anyways. An' the results would be measurable in no uncertain terms too! There'd be no hanky-panky about who the winner was neither.
I don't know why nobody never thought o' that before. It makes perfect sense to me. When you got more than one country contendin' for somethin' you just have a 'round robin ' series an' eliminate 'em down to two. The final two then go for the prize. Sure beats a gold medal hangin' around your neck don't it? An' you don't have to kill a bunch o' people to do it. Canada could soon become a world power – run by Haley Wickenheiser! What a thought! It's almost as good as havin' Sheila Fraser as our queen! At least that's how it seems to me from up here on the top shelf.