I think the “greeting” police created a new “Silly Department”. It governs the behavior particularly of socialites, celebrities and talk show hosts. Well that’s not entirely true neither. I think they got the idea from Government heads of state, particularly in the middle east an’ in Europe.
What I’m talkin’ about is this business o’ “Air Kissin’”. Here’s how it works: It involves firstly a hug (of sorts) between two people an’ then placin’ their cheeks next to each other and givin’ a big lip smack to the air beside them. I’m even not sure if their cheeks touch while they’re doin’ it. They do it on both sides o’ their faces too. An’ men do it to men and to ladies too, to people they’ve never even met before for heaven’s sake! What kind of silliness is that?
Well I can understand not wantin’ to plant a smacker on every Tom, Dick an’ Harry (or Norma or Alice) for that matter, specially if they’re strangers. But puttin’ on all this rigmarole just for show is ridiculous. Well okay, maybe ya don’t wanna taste the odd = flavored breath of the kiss-ee in question, but holee, why do ya gotta go through all that nonsense for heaven’s sake? Like, who’d wanna kiss the air in, say Beijing? That’s got to be as poisonous as anythin’ comin’ outa anybody’s mouth. Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned handshake anyways?
Speakin’ o’ handshakes, now ya got yer fist bumps, yer high fives, an’ I even saw one the other day that was a backwards low five. Mind you them’s a series of congratulations, not to be confused with greetings (although it’s sometimes hard to tell the difference).
Well the whole gaul dang business leaves me cold. Couldn’t we simplify things to just a simple handshake, for example? I mean, you could adjust the pressure to suit people with arthritis, you could also do it at arm’s length to avoid somebody’s bad breath, an’ still convey the same greetin’ without all that complication. Me, that’s what I do anyways an’ so far it’s worked fine for me an’ all those I greet too. An’ if somebody wants to plant a kiss on me, it’ll dang well be on my lips for us both to enjoy. Of course I make sure I’m properly shaved, unlike them movie stars who only shave once a week so I don’t get no complaints about whisker burn. I sure don’t never want to meet any o’ them “Air Kissers”. I’m afraid I’d bust out laughin’ at their goofy antics. Maybe if we got some kind o’ standard practice of how to greet one another, we’d all get along a bit better. At least that’s how it seems to me from up here on the top shelf.