Saturday, April 29, 2017

Oh God - Part Fifteen

Oh God – Part Fifteen
            “It seems that out of all the creatures I created, mankind was about the only failure I had. Not a bad average I would say. Mankind was not really a failure as such, but I made him more complicated than I needed to. If only I hadn’t given him dominion over all the other creatures, he may well have been satisfied.”
            “Do you really think that was the thing that caused all this expansion?” asked Schwartz.
            He really wasn’t thinking about the time of creation, but more about the chaos that was going on in hell right now and what that would be like in the future when Satan was finally released and turned up the heat, and did he want to be part of that.  He was in a real turmoil about it. Here there was no shouting goin’ on. There were no insults bein’ flung back an’ forth an’ no screamin’ for first place. Oh, there was all kind of banter an’ discussion about every subject under the sun around the seemingly endless table, but it was all discreet an’ friendly like.
            “I kind o’ think I like it better here,” said Schwartz hopefully. “Do you think I might have a chance to stay?”
God laughed out loud. “That Schwartz, is entirely up to you. It’s not something I can determine ahead of time. I’ve told you that I will judge every soul within the universe. By the look of things it will be sooner than later. When I examine your very inner soul, I will decide.”
            “Aw crumb,” muttered Schwartz.
            “I don’t know what you’re fussin’ about Schwartz,” God commented, “you’ve known what’s right or wrong since you were a youngster, so it’s all on your head. I can’t help you with that. Well, I could, but I won’t.”
            Schwartz had nowhere to turn but inward. He wasn’t used to that. Up to now there was always somebody else to blame for his shortcomings, but now he’d have to face himself. It didn’t seem fair somehow. But he quickly realized that that’s how it was, so he’d better button down to reality. The one thing in his favor was his tenacity.

            Schwartz grew quiet. God, realizing what was going through his mind, moved on to address some of the others.
 

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Oh God - Part Fourteen

Oh God – Part Fourteen
“They are so set in their ways and so attached to their ideas that they are prepared to overcome judgment day altogether. Their opinions are set to overrule anything I might confer upon them. It’s the usual; ‘We’ll deal with it when it comes up’ attitude’.
“You’ll judge them too?” asked Schwartz
“Absolutely. Every last one o’ them.”
“How about me?”
“Yep, you too.”
“HOLY CRAP!” Schwartz yelled suddenly, realizing that he too was under scrutiny. “How’m I doin’ so far?”
“Don’t push it Schwartz. You know very well what the rules of life are. You have to choose what course you want to pursue. I won’t do that for you.”
“Figures,” grumbled Schwartz.
“In fact”, continued God, “I was a bit worried about people taking over the universe, but I see now that they’ll never get there, so I won’t even put my plans into action. Let the chips fall where they may.”
“Maybe you could explain that to me,” said Schwartz.
“Easy,” answered God. “Firstly, they’re so busy makin’ up a new language using acronyms, they themselves don’t understand the language, not that it makes any difference since they’re so busy yellin’ at one another, nobody’s got time to listen to anybody but themselves. Secondly and more importantly, they’re busy tryin’ new things an’ doin’ new stuff with every aspect of my green earth an’ they don’t take account of how it was made in the first place.”
“How does that affect anythin’” Schwartz asked.
“Manipulation of one part directly affects the reaction of another,” God explained patiently. “It’s like cause and effect – well in fact, it is cause and effect. You know, if a man speaks in the middle of a forest where no one can hear – is he still wrong?” God chuckled at his own joke. “Of course he is. Just ask his wife.”
“Huh?”

“Well that’s a bad example, but it serves to highlight what really happens. If I tell a funny story, you smile.  If a man drives his car, the carbon emissions create clouds of carbon monoxide in the sky and pollute the atmosphere. If you clear cut a forest, the ground becomes unstable, causin’ landslides. Misuse of water supplies causes the dryin’ – up o’ lakes an’ rivers. I could go on an’ on.”

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Oh God - Part Thirteen

Oh God = Part Thirteen
“It is really nice Schwartz,” commented God rather deliberately, “that you and I can sit here at the dinner table and casually discuss all the world’s problems in a friendly and relaxed manner without rancor or blame. Best thing I ever did was to make this family dinner table. It’s a good job Jesus was such a good carpenter. He put a lot more in it than just wood.”
Schwartz could feel it too. There was a genuine warmth around the table, inviting friendship and a sense of belonging. He’d never felt that at Satan’s place. Oh, there was lots of partying, screaming and yelling going on but somehow it felt cold. It was like everyone was trumpeting their own importance, trying to outdo the others. Well you couldn’t blame them. It was the only way to get ahead. You had to trumpet your own importance louder and more often than anybody else. What was that saying: ‘The squeaky wheel gets the grease’? Of course, they didn’t have to do that any more but they were so accustomed to it, they couldn’t quit. The noise and chaos was enough to give even Schwartz a supreme headache.  Sitting here with God and the others was enough to cause him to want to abandon his former boss. “Whatever happened to Purgatory for those people in hell? Aren’t they supposed to be asleep?” said Schwartz.
“They had a choice. They could either go to sleep until judgment day, or carry on with their antics. They are obviously beyond redemption, come judgment day.”
“Oh,” commented Schwartz. “How did I get here then?
“You’ll notice that this is a pretty big table. It’s almost endless. There are some pretty big sinners sitting at it who thought they’d try out our side of things and have come to prefer it. But you are a special project of Satan’s. He sent you here to disrupt my concerns about human behaviour. He’s such a jackass that it never occurred to him you might prefer the sanctity of a dinner table where family and reason prevail, much as some of the others.”
Schwartz looked around and sure enough the table seemed almost endless. The multitude of people around it was varied. They certainly weren’t all angels, that was for sure. Yet they were all comfortably conversing with one another, thoroughly at home in this environment. “So, what’s with the people partying an’ dancin’ an’ yellin’ their stupid heads off in hell? What about them?” he pondered almost absently.
“Oh, those are people who sold their souls to the devil. They bypassed purgatory altogether and went straight to hell. There’s not much chance for them to be ransomed outa there.”

“Hm,” said Schwartz.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Oh God - Part 12

Oh God – Part Twelve

“It gets right back to humans tryin’ to figure out the secrets of my universe so they can go do it themselves. I know exactly what they’re up to. Once they think they’ve completed the task, they’ll proclaim themselves as masters of the universe having dominion over me as well, which means you and Satan too.”
“Oh my God, I never thought o’ that!”, exclaimed Schwartz.
“Well you see what will happen if it gets into the wrong hands,” continued God. “Them lawyers an’ engineers an’ architects are all on the same page, it seems. Some economics professor talked them into believin’ that they must operate on an adversarial system; said it was the best way to get the most outa the least. What do you think o’ that?”
“I think that’s a good theory. That way everybody gets to submit their arguments and the one that can be best defended wins the day.”
“When you think about it, one wins the day an’ all the others lose it. How good do you think that’ll go over? If you ask me, it’ll still be adversarial.”
“But they’ll have to live with it, won’t they?” said Schwartz.
“Ha ha ha,” laughed God in a loud guffaw.

Schwartz had to smile. He knew that God was right. He was always right. He was after all. . . . God.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Oh God - Part Eleven

Oh God – Part Eleven
“I think it started with Noah buildin’ that big boat. There was so much fuss an’ bother with it, everybody squealin’ this an’ that, advisin’ him this way an the other, I guess it somehow stuck with the people on board. Them daughters o’ his was no angels neither ya know. They probably took them sounds an’ started yappin’ away until it became a language. Well once ya get that far, their ain’t no end in site.”
“I heard that!” boomed  the alto voice from the kitchen.
“See what I mean?” commented God.
“Mm,” grunted Schwartz.
“What would you think,” asked God, “if I took them right back to the time when they were all mute, couldn’t make a sound?”
“Human kind would never survive!”
“Oh, they could – they did in fact. Only they got lazy when they found they could make noises, an have been workin on it ever since. That’s not how I intended it. I thought I made it clear in the Tower of Babel incident. But obviously, they were so fixated on sayin’ words, they just wouldn’t shut up. Now they’ve run outa words so they start makin’ stuff up, like acronyms. That won’t do Schwartz, it just won’t do!”
“I wouldn’t worry about it God,” said Schwartz casually, “they’ll figure it out. If anything, people are pretty smart at getting’ to where they want.”
“Now you’ve hit the nail on the head Schwartz!” replied God. “They’ll keep at it ‘til they can get back to figurin’ out the universe.”

What’s wrong with that?” Schwartz wanted to know.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Oh God - Part Ten

Oh God – Part Ten
“Basically,” said God in a friendly manner, “one of the reasons I invited you into the family was over communication. It’s a very important function of humanity as you see here. I mean. How wonderful has it been to have you among us at our dinner table? We talked and joked and had a wonderful time, didn’t we?”
“I’ve got to admit, that’s true,” said Schwartz, still somewhat hesitant. “I feel totally at home an’ welcome here. I don’t even mind that old lady that keeps barkin’ at us if we cuss a little. Where’d you get her from anyways?”
“She’s kind of an accident like you are to Satan,” smiled God. “Its her ornery husband that keeps passin’ up an’ down between here an’ there ‘cause nobody wants him around to make trouble. So, she stays here an’ keeps Mary company.
“Actually, that leads me to the topic I wanted to discuss – language.” Said God. “It’s language that has lead humans into trouble every time. They’re either inventin’ new words an’ givin’ them new meanings, or sayin’ them in such a way as to mean somethin’ else. It’s an endless litany of excuses they use to justify the words they say an it’s drivin’ me nuts! My original idea was the best one. When the world was new, every one understood the other, yet there wasn’t a sound made. It was so quiet an’ peaceful then. A family could gather around the diner table an’ communicate in complete silence. Even the animals that came around signalled their needs with their body language an’ the humans all understood. It was so peaceful an’ quiet then when every body lived in harmony.”
“Well so how did the people learn to make noise an’ speak?” Schwartz wanted to know.


Saturday, March 18, 2017

Oh God = Part Nine

Oh God - Part Nine
“Did ya ever hear of a place called Purgatory” asked God, half joking.
“That’s a hotel ain’t it? It’s a place where you can sleep quietly for as long as ya want an’ nobody will bother ya. Sounds like a good spot after a busy life.”
“That’s only a temporary respite. After all, my souls need a good nap after havin’ lived their lives, before I judge their performance while they were on earth.”
“WHAT? Are you kiddin’ me? YOU get to judge them all?” The total shock of this caused Schwartz’ outburst.
“I do.”
“What does Satan have to say about that?”
God smiled knowingly. “There’s not much he can say is there? After all, I’m the one who created heaven and earth. Oh, he does a lot of screamin’ an’ yellin’ but really, it amounts to a hill o’ beans. He just does that to be a thorn in my side.”
“Holy crap!” Schwartz exploded. “That’s not what he said to me!” He was waiting for the voice in the kitchen but she obviously didn’t hear him or that didn’t count as a cuss word because it never came. Well, the news was out now – no question. Schwartz had got so excited that he just blurted out that he was an agent of the devil, so he figured the jig was up now.
Quite the contrary, God smiled warmly and told him how happy he was to have Schwartz in the family. It gave them the opportunity to get to know one another more intimately and air each other’s concerns.  

“You first,” said Schwartz, anxious to find what direction this was goin’ before commitin’ hisself.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Oh God - Part Eight

Oh God - Part Eight
Dinner proceeded jovially enough with casual conversation between mouthfuls. To all intents and purposes, it was a friendly family dinner. Well, except I noticed that Schwartz was a little more than uneasy. I knew he recognized the voice from the kitchen and that was cause for concern for him. That was the wife of old Nard Harks who was swinging between Hell an’ here like a yoyo because nobody wanted to deal with him. I was reluctantly feelin’ a little easier havin’ her on my team for once. If nothing else, she was bringing civility to the conversation. It was a perfect segue into my intended talk.
“If we aren’t goin’ to be civil in our language up here, how is anyone in the real world down there goin to learn civility?” I wanted to know. “Don’t you practice it down there in hell?”
“Oh, hell no,” was the reply.
“I heard that!” said the alto voice.
“Down there we say whatever we want, however it comes out. It’s called free speech. It’s everyone’s right!”
“That’s an interestin’ concept. Doesn’t that lead to hateful attitudes and conflict?”
“Of course, it does! That’s the whole idea! Let the offended parties defend themselves. Whoever is strongest will survive.” Schwartz was feeling confident now. He was makin’ some pretty good points in his (the devil’s) arguments. “It’d been like that ever since there was enough people around to be livin’ apart from one another. Not only that, but it was good business for hell, we was crankin’ them in like nobody’s business. It’s sort of like natural evolution, you know - survival of the fittest.” Schwartz realized too late that he’d overplayed his hand.
“Do the math,” said God, ignoring Schwartz’ mistake. “You’ll find it’s counter productive.”
“How so?” Schwartz wanted to know.
“Instead of supportin’ one another in their quest, they’re competin’ until there is only one left standin’.” Said God. “How’re ya gonna keep the population goin’ with only one person left? Ha - that reminds me of a human joke that wouldn’t be civil to repeat here.”

“Yeah, I know that one. I’m the one who made it up.”

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Oh God - Part Seven

Part Seven
Oh, don’t kid yourself, there will be a final disaster, and it won’t be a kind one neither, or one that anybody can survive. But I’m not tellin’ what it is just yet ‘cause I ain’t gonna’ be the one to bring it about. One lousy slip up on my part an’ the whole business goes to hell in a handbasket - literally. It seems the “them” of ‘us an’ them’ have allowed their greed to get the best o’ them an’ now there’s an “Us an’ them” within the “Them” department fightin’ for supremacy. It’s a tussle between oil an’ money. Well, ya can’t drink oil an’ ya can’t eat money as they’ll find out sooner or later. Before ya know it, these ‘us an’ thems’ will split again until they’re all standin’ as individuals – isolated and alone. It’ll take ‘em a while to realize that but by then it’ll be too late. Well I suppose I’m alludin’ to where all this is gonna end, but suffice it to say it will surely come up for discussion at the next dinner meetin’.
Dinner was exceptionally tasty this time, delicious and fillin’, and the mood was no less exuberant. Schwartz, who I knew had been anticipatin’ this dinner so he could argue his points durin’ the discussion, had come a little early in anticipation of this “family” dinner.
“HOLY SHIT!” he started to exclaim, seein’ the delicious fare on the table, when a deep alto voice drifted authoritatively out of the kitchen.
“No cussin’,” it said. “This is a family dinner an’ we don’t allow that kind o’ language at the table.”

What the . . . they had spies all over, Schwartz thought. This wasn’t goin’ to be that easy. In the meantime, St. Peter rolled is eyes in disgust. How could that woman who was stone deaf hear what was goin on in the dinin’ room? He wouldn’t pursue it ‘cause he didn’t want to know. Well, Schwartz wanted to know, It was all he could do to keep from crawlin’ under the table to see what was hidden there. He’d have to be very careful if he was to win God over to the devil’s side.
 

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Oh God Part Six

Part Six
Well we laughed out loud indeed at my interpretation of the acronym.as did all the others around the table. It kind of served to break the ice a bit because after that and there was a lot of conversation and good humour. We sat long into the night in friendly conversation. When we finally packed it in for the night, we all had a feeling of satisfaction and comradery. I wasn’t sure whether Schwartz had bought into our family plan or found himself as a double agent. Either way, it didn’t matter a bit. The ‘Us and Them’ problem would likely persist until there was a total demise of all life forms on earth. It would of course be caused by humans in their insatiable desire to take over MY domain.
If I’da been smart, I’da left the wolf in charge. At least he knew how to keep an even keel in the life cycle. Well, let’s face it, I can make another one anyways. In fact, I can do a lot o’ things different, like adjust the brain size o’ mankind. In fact, what I’d do is to give him dominion over his own family dinner table an’ nothin’ else. I could’a done a lot o’ things better but it was the first world I’d built in a long time so I guess I can allow myself some room for error. The other ones turned out much better.

At the next meetin’ we’ll have to get into the business of the ‘us an’ them’ again. I noticed a number o’ people down on earth talkin’ about it already so it must have some degree of importance in somebody’s mind. Look at that! It’s playin out exactly like I said. It must be about time to send Jesus down there to straighten them knuckle heads out once an’ for all. If anybody can convince them to abandon their predatory ways, it’s him. A thousand years of love an’ peace on earth ought’a be enough time for people to get used to the idea. Then we’ll see whether I’ll need to invoke my third an’ final disaster.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Oh God - Part Five

Part Five
Well you can bet you’re bottom dollar that Schwartz would be surprised by the invitation. He saw it as an opportunity to lord it over us (forgettin’ that I AM the Lord in the first place), so he accepted the invitation. He even joined us in askin’ a blessin’ for the food at the table although he balked a little at the “fellowship o’ those around it”. We soon dispelled that with the laughter and banter around the table, a lot of it includin’ him as a new family member.
About the time dessert was finished an’ everyone was feelin’ well satisfied I decided to start the purpose of the meetin’ off. “Schwartz,” I said, “the world has gotten itself into a very dangerous situation. It’s on the brink of destroyin’ itself, an’ I don’t think anybody wants that. We got one chance to rectify that. One chance! ‘Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us’. With that I want to say welcome to our family. You are one of us as we also are of you. That way we can discuss all our differing opinions and by the end of our discussions we can come to a consensus. If that’s not possible, we can hold it over until the next meeting.”
“It seems a little iffy to me,” said Schwartz suspiciously.
“In your vernacular, LOL to us with that,” I said
“WHAT?” said Schwartz.
“LOL – Lots of Luck!”

“Oy,” said Schwartz. “You don’t understand the acronyms. LOL means ‘laughed out loud.’”

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Fantasy in a Wine Glass

Fantasy in a Wine Glass
Is it old age creeping up? Is it perhaps an over-active imagination, or is it perhaps the magic of the wine glass? I don’t know, but something strange is going on. Whatever it is gives me the shivers.
Well, I was thinking of doing some clay modelling, something I hadn’t done in a while and since the Missus’ birthday was coming up, I thought I’d make her a wine glass to celebrate her birthday with. So I put together a number of little Styrofoam balls for a stem and a bigger one at the top for the bowl and a medium one at the bottom for the base. Well I’d done some experimenting with the Styrofoam and found that it melted right down when I baked the clay, so it would be perfect.
Wrapping just the right amount of clay around the Styrofoam and smoothing it around until it was just about right I set it in the oven to bake. When it finally came out of the oven and cooled off - it was crooked! Not only that, but the stem was too fat. Nothing in the world would straighten the stem out. It was just not going to be a wine glass - - - - but - - - - it could be a trophy cup – a loving cup. Yeah, that’s it – a loving cup! So I carefully measured and made two identical handles and baked them too, gluing them onto the (now) loving cup. Well it wasn’t too neat, but I can sand them down I guess.
Once everything dries properly, I take it in hand to begin the sanding process and suddenly I can’t believe my eyes. This is no loving cup! What I’m holding in my hand is a statue of an indigenous woman carrying a basket of something on her head for heaven’s sake! The Missus agrees. That’s exactly what it looks like! (she says).
So now I’m wondering what spirit is behind all this. Is it the wine missing from the original goblet, or the glass complaining that it turned out crooked. By the time I get finished painting the blessed thing, who knows what it will be? I guess I’ll just call it creative art and let it go at that, but it begs the question: am I the artist who created the piece, or just the messenger of what the piece wanted to say? You often hear that from stone cutters and wood carvers.

Interesting.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Oh God - Part Four

Part Four
Well, there ain’t no use cryin over spilt milk. I can think of a lot o’ things I could’a done better. When I made man’s brain bigger, I didn’t take his predatory nature into account. Him an’ the wolf used to walk around the world namin’ all the animals. They was friends at the time. Next thing I know, man is goin’ around killin’ all the wolves ‘cause he figures they’re pests. Go figure. An’ then he gets in there an’ kills all the other critters. That was different of course ‘cause they needed the food. But they didn’t know when to stop! They went way overboard until it became nothin’ more’n sport. It wasn’t long before everything was more or less hunted to extinction an’ people began to realize that once it was done, hunters would no longer come an’ pay big money to hunt no more ‘cause there wasn’t nothin’ left to hunt.
Well, would you believe it, but it was Schwartz who put together a promotional package to bring it tourists to come an’ just look at these unique and giant animals instead o’ killin them. They got together to sit around a table like the one I just smashed to smithereens an’ he pitched them the benefits of a sustaining tourism business. It was a good idea at the time an’ they all bought in. Of course, humans bein’ what they are were soon competin’ with one another for the tourism dollars. They should’a kept up their family dinners, but they got on their feet a bit an’ first thing ya know they was back at the ‘us an’ them’ business.

The thing I wanna emphasise is that Schwartz, even though he was moonlightin’ from his job at Satan’s place, set an example of how humanity should behave. So even though he’s on the other side, he’s not all that different from us. An’ that’s why we should welcome him to our table an’ treat him as part of our family. Remember when you asked me to, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”? That was no joke. That’s exactly what we gotta do an’ I’ll do it too. I strongly suggest you adopt that same philosophy. I know he’ll be suspicious to start but if we demonstrate to him that we are sincerely serious, he’ll come around to the idea that we are all the same. It’s the only way to eliminate the “Us and Them” an’ replace it with we, the family.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Oh God - Part Three

Part Three
“First of all, we need to clean up the mess I made. It really needs to be spotless. Jesus, you used to be a pretty classy carpenter. You can make a new table – but none outa cedar or gopher wood. I want that black ironwood from Vietnam. It’s gotta be smooth an’ shiny an’ black so you can see yer face in it. But don’t say nothin’ to yer mother. She gets hold o’ that Nellie Van de Goor an you’ll have them complainin’ about nepotism. I don’t need another lecture on how to conduct my business right now. Just keep it under yer hat ‘til it gets done.”
It seemed that God was regaining his dignified demeanor somewhat. Not that he apologized for the mess he’d made in the room, but he seemed to be developin’ a plan of action, judgin’ by the determined glint in his eye. “Family,” he said. “That’s where it all starts. I sure screwed that up right from the start. Well, what’s done is done, but we can fix that.  That’s why we gotta clean up this room in pristine fashion. From now on, this room will no longer be the boardroom, but a family /dinin’ room. This is where we’ll sit and share a meal an’ talk about things important to each of us. What we will do here is say what we gotta say, an’ listen to what others got to say. Then we’ll discuss ways we can come together on our differences – respectfully.

“The first thing we’ll do is to pull off that Tower of Babel stunt as soon as we meet again. If they didn’t learn the lesson first time, they’ll maybe get it the second turn around. That’ll take care of the acronym business once an’ for all. It should provide some good entertainment while we’re at it. Secondly, we’ll invite Schwartz to dinner an’ make him welcome as part of our family. I know that’ll be hard for you folks cause you’re as bull headed as he is, but you gotta try – no, not try but actually succeed. Remember, I said “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us”. I wasn’t kiddin’ about that. Of course, it ain’t gonna be easy, but we gotta somehow et rid o’ that “us an’ them” attitude. That started right back there in the Garden of Eden an it’s high time it got sorted out. I should’a never kicked them out’s the garden where I could’a kept a closer eye on ‘em. Maybe I should’a provided a dinner table for ‘em to sit an’ eat an’ discuss things. They was so combative right from the get go, we could’a had a better outcome if we’d had a reasonable conversation ahead o’ events rather than after the fact.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Oh God - Part Two

Oh my God -Part Two
Peter glanced over at his partner, Paul and got no encouragement. This was definitely not going to be a good day. “ P. R. is an abbreviation for Public Relations and Millenials are people born around the turn of the century,” Peter replied obediently, hoping to appease the Lord with a direct answer. Well THAT was a bust too.
“And,” continued the Lord. “what’s an LGBTQ an’ how’dya pronounce that?” It was gettin’ very warm in the boardroom. Peter didn’t know what to say or who to pin the dilemma on.
“Well you see,” he sputtered, “it’s an acronym for all the groups o’ people who feel they have no voice, but they want to be heard an’ they ain’t havin’ any luck. There’s just too many o’ the rulin’ class yelling out their own agendas. It’s just a total mess. So we hired a promoter to develop a means that this could happen. What he’s doin’ is takin’ the first letter of each group and amalgamatin’ them into an anagram that every one will recognize, thus givin’ them a voice that everybody will recognize. That way people will know who’s talkin’ an’ perhaps pay some attention.”
Peter was just startin’ to feel a little vindicated when God asked, “Who is this promoter an’ where did he come from?”
“Well, he’s sort of on loan from – from – you know. His name is Schwartz an’ he’s really good at this stuff.”
“Schwartz? Schwartz? You mean the Schwartz that promoted buildin’ the Tower of Babel?” Thundered God as he slammed his fist down on the long oak table, smashin’ it into a million tiny splinters. “Jesus!” he roared.
Jesus of course was sittin’ in the boardroom. “Good one dad,” he chuckled. “I done that a couple’a thousand years ago at the walls o’ the temple. It sure got their attention at that time too. But slowly the greed for money took over again an’ we’re right back to square one.”
“I Damn it!” God muttered under his breath. He would have said ‘God Damn it’ but since he was God, this was more appropriate.  “Them people are always tryin’ to take over the world -my world. Well, they’re gonna get a big surprise when they find out what they’re up against. Especially Schwartz. I can see now he’s nothin’ more than an agent of Lucifer. He can lead them astray all he wants, but me, he can’t confuse.
“Even when I drowned all them critters durin’ the great flood, I was good enough to preserve two of each to start all over again. Then when I froze the earth, I left just enough room for some who could withstand it to be able to survive. An’ still they persist in tryin’ to unlock the secrets of my world. Biggest mistake I ever made was to give them dominion over all creation. They got the idea that they could also have dominion over me as well. Hah! That’ll be the frosty Friday!

“Listen you bunch, we gotta get things sorted out once an’ for all. We’re all family here an’ as such we gotta stick together, come hell or high water. Here’s what we’re gonna do:

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Oh God - Part One

Oh My God!
Part One
It all started with a conversation me an’ the Missus was havin’ early one mornin’ at breakfast. We was watchin’ the news an’ somebody had died, leavin’ a bunch o’ tweets sendin’ condolences to the family. Them things was readin’ stuff like: ‘he’s at peace’ or: ‘he’s in a better place’ – stuff like that. It didn’t impress the Missus all that much. Well, she was talkin’ about the souls of the dead, not their bodies. Bein’ raised a strict Roman Catholic, she’s developed a few jaded ideas about the subject over time.
I, on the other hand have had some experience with ‘the other side’ after the passing of old Walter Bergen at the age of ninety- eight and also my late mother-in-law. It could have been just my imagination, or I might just have had a real glimpse of what goes on in heaven and hell.
What, of all things that caught my attention was a piece of the Lord’s Prayer that says; ‘Thy kingdom come. Thy Will be done on earth as it is in Heaven’.  The first thing that came to mind was thanks givin’ dinner. Well, you’da said the same thing if you had been at the last full board meetin’ in heaven. Things ain’t no different up there than down here on earth. This particular year-end meetin’ was an important one in which God hisself would preside. He didn’t fool around neither. He got right down to business.
“We seem to have some strange language goin’ on round here,” he boomed in his thunderous voice. “What kind o’ words are you folks mutterin’ in yer conversation these days?”
“We’re just keepin up with the younger generation boss,” said St. Peter. “That’s how they talk these days.”
“Aw, Crap!” said the Lord. “Not again. Who’s behind this anyways?”
“Well, our P. R. department thought they’d get ahead of the curve an’ do a pilot project for future use by the Millenials,” answered Peter.
God had a perplexed countenance about him. He leveled his eyes directly on St. Peter. “What, pray tell, is a P. R. department and who the H. E. double hockey sticks are Millenials?”